Thursday, 30 May 2013

I Hate June Bugs

Bugs are generally pretty cool.  They do cool stuff and sometimes they’re cool colours and shapes.  I’m not afraid of bugs, except for things like wasps because they’re scary as hell.  I’m not even grossed out by them.  But there is one bug that I can’t stand and that is the June Bug.

They’re too big, they’re disgusting, and they’re stupid.  I shudder at the thought of them.

Lots of bugs are attracted to lights, but the June Bug’s fascination with lights is second to none.  They will run into them, unrelenting.  Have the light on in the kitchen?  “Better smash my face repeatedly into the window!” thinks the June Bug.  Driving at 110km/h?  “I must fly into this fast moving light before it leaves me!”  Porch light on?  “This is surely the gateway to heaven,” thinks the June Bug, “and so I must fly into it!”  As this nightly ritual results in many June Bug parts laying on my deck in the morning, perhaps it is the gateway to heaven.  One would think after a few unsuccessful attempts to achieve whatever they think they’re going to achieve by flying into the light, they would give up, or perhaps after seeing all their dead friends on my deck, they would figure out that flying into the light wasn’t a good idea.  Nope.  I guess they’ve never heard of the expression, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

One night, a June Bug landed on my arm and just sat there with its wings out.  I was torn between not wanting the stupid thing on me and not wanting to touch it to swat it off, and so I ended up standing there screaming that it was going to eat me.  I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen a June Bug sit there with its wings out, but when you’re paralyzed with fear, it looks like it wants to eat you.  The June Bug probably didn’t have the mental capacity to consider that I may be, in fact, edible.  It was probably thinking about light bulbs, or poop, or whatever it is they think about.

I’m just glad I haven’t had the experience that two people I know have had:  June Bugs have flown down their shirts and gotten stuck.  Apparently this is a thing they do people, they fly down shirts.  This is why, at night during June Bug season, I am reluctant to go out wearing anything less than a HAZMAT suit.

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